To Whome it May Concern

by Logan Lee  

To whom it may concern:

    I am writing this letter not because I want to, but because I feel that after everything that we have been through together it is time that we finally call it quits, go our separate ways, and generally just break up. How I came to this conclusion is, quite frankly, beside the point. After all, it is I who am breaking up with you. I mean, if the reverse were true, than I would be feeling quite sad now, wouldn’t I?

    Frankly, you suck, and I don’t mean in the good, fifty dollar way either. No, I mean you just suck. You suck so hard that for months on end I actually mistook you for our vacuum cleaner, which, incidentally, I paid for and would like returned to me in the near future.

    Listen, I met somebody else. Not recently, I’m talking within the past few months when you and I were still together. Please don’t get mad about this, because I think that you would actually like him if you met him. He has the sweetest eyes and a great smile. You said you always liked those things in a man, so please don’t judge him until you meet him. Oh, and for the record, he’s much better in bed than you ever were. And by bed, I mean our bed. That’s right, I had gay anal sex in our bed. I hope this doesn’t bother you. We always tried to clean up afterwards.

    Have you noticed how I have yet to use your name? My shrink recommends that I not mention it in an effort to faster forget you. So far so good! I have already forgotten your birthday, middle name, favorite ice cream, and pants size (although I do remember it was gradually getting bigger). Also, I have taken the liberty to personally dispose of all of the pictures of me and you that we kept around the house and for personal affect. Speaking of which, this may explain why your toilet is backed up. Long story short: please don’t be offended by my unwillingness to use your name.

    I also would like to apologize for killing your mom. Yes, I know that you loved her, but she just reminded me too much of you. I hope that you will be able to survive just fine without her. I know that I have.

    To sum up, I hope you are doing well. If not, it is most likely because I left you. After all, you always said that I was everything to you and the only man you would ever love. Maybe this is because I promised you that I would never leave. Guess I was wrong!

    Well, I guess this is it. It was nothing compared to my current relationship, so I really won’t miss it. Will you?

Goodbye, Betty. (oops!)

-Steven

PS: I also backed over the dog on my way out. Oh, well...